


Jester's Adventures In Love and Sex

by KnittingBatman



Series: Mighty Nein Vignettes [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Jester is Confused - Freeform, Jester is also Very Bi, Multi, no actual sex here folks, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 01:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnittingBatman/pseuds/KnittingBatman
Summary: "Jester knows a lot about sex.Probably she is the best at sex. Definitely the best in the Mighty Nein and maybe even in the whole world....Sure, okay she’s never technically had sex, but whatever, because she knows everything about it. (Probably)....Jester knows less about love.Well, she’s heard a lot about love, but she’s not sure what she believes."





	1. Chapter 1

Jester knows a lot about sex.

Probably she is the best at sex. Definitely the best in the Mighty Nein and maybe even in the whole world.

Well, the best in the world except for her Mama, The Ruby of the Sea. She is the best lay _ever_ and that’s why powerful people like lords, and queens, and princes, and stuff will pay a _ton_ of money to spend time with her. ( ~~She _has_ to be, otherwise why didn’t she ever have enough time for Jester?)~~

Well, and maybe except for Molly, too. He might be the second best at sex. He had, like, a ton of sex and he was only two years old so he must have been really _really_ good at sex. But he is definitely not better than her Mama and also he’s dead, but Jester is Definitely Not Thinking About That Right Now. ~~(Especially not that fact she was trapped in a dark, lonely, smelly cage while her friend died trying to save her. No Thank You).~~ All this to say, Jester is definitely, probably the third best ~~(second best now)~~ at sex in the whole world.

Sure, okay she’s never _technically_ had sex, but whatever, because she knows everything about it. (Probably).

 

Moving on.

 

Jester knows less about love.

Well, she’s heard a lot about love, but she’s not sure what she believes.

 

“Love is a dangerous thing, Little One,” her Mama had said, “You must keep your heart safe; it is the most precious thing you have and it can easily be broken, and once it is broken, it can never be fixed. Better to keep it protected, my little Sapphire.” The corners of her mouth lifted into a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes.  

“Do what you will with your body,” she said, “there is pleasure and profit to be had there, but keep your heart safe.” 

In that moment, Jester thought she could see the shards of her Mama’s broken heart. She saw them in the set of her mouth, in the watery gleam of her eyes, and in the bend of her shoulders. And in that moment, Jester silently vowed that she would protect her heart at all costs, and carefully sealed it up behind an exuberant demeanor.

 

She asked the Traveler about love once, too. “Love is a powerful tool, my little spark of Chaos,” he whispered to her as they were rigging a trap on one of the many doorways in the Lavish Chateau. “A lover’s passion or the fury of a broken heart can sow the seeds of delicious chaos. Remember this when you are older and you will be a force to be reckoned with.” 

Jester absorbed this knowledge too, thinking about all the things she could make people do with the power of her love. It scared her a little bit, but the Traveler was her best friend and he would never make her do anything bad. Not like really  _ really  _ bad anyway. She pushed her doubts aside and scampered away to hide and wait for an unsuspecting soul to spring her trap.

 

Her books tell her that love is a perfect thing. In stories, love conquers all, True Love’s Kiss solves any problem, and even in the most tragic stories where the lovers die, their love transcends death. 

She has spent hours alone in her room devouring these stories and imagining herself in the heroine’s place. Sometimes she would fall madly in love with a kitchen servant and they would run away to start a pastry shop and live happily ever after. Sometimes a handsome prince would catch sight of her in the window and he would search for her relentlessly until he finally finds her and they get married and she is a princess and she lives happily ever after. Sometimes she would strike out on her own searching for adventure and she would meet a clever but tragic thief who is just as tricky as she is and eventually she would heal their heart through the power of love and they would live happily ever after. 

She has filled hundreds of hours with daydreams of epic love, but she’s made sure not to tell her Mama or the Traveler. She doesn’t want to disappoint them.

 

Now that Jester is finally out on her own, maybe she can come up with her own opinion on love.

 

She loves Fjord, she thinks. Or she did. Or she could. Fjord had kissed her. Kinda. A little bit. She wasn’t sure if it counted if it was to save your life. But also, in stories, True Love’s Kiss totally brought the princess back from the brink of death so maybe it did count. But if it really  _ was  _ True Love’s Kiss, then why weren’t they living happily ever after? Why was Fjord spending all hours of the night in Avantika’s chambers and pouring his blood all over weird tables with Caleb? 

Jester wonders if maybe this feeling is what her Mama was trying to warn her about. She wonders if maybe her Mama was right…

Love is stupid, Jester thinks, it’s hard, and it makes no sense and is nothing like the stories, and she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want to think about stinky Fjord, and his stinky face, and his stinky eyeball patron, and stinky Avantika. She just wants to see her Mama again and make the Traveler happy. 

 

And if she can’t have love, she’s  _ definitely _ gonna have a lot of sex.


	2. Chapter 2

Even though she is definitely the best at sex, Jester decides she should try it out first. Like she will be awesome at it but also can you imagine if she tried it with a stranger and she was bad at it? That would be  _ totally embarassing _ ! And what if they went around and told people that the Little Sapphire was a terrible lay? It would ruin her Mama’s reputation. Yes, it’s probably best if Jester tries sex with someone in the Mighty Nein first. Just in case.

 

But who should she pick?

 

She thinks of Fjord first, he’s totally super handsome, but after everything, she’s not sure if she can stand to make things between them any more complicated than they already are. And besides, she thinks, Fjord is probably definitely super bad at sex.

 

She thinks of Beau next. She is super pretty and she can punch ghosts which is hot. But she also said “I love you,” to Jester, and like, maybe she meant it in a friendship way, not a romantic way, but either way that’s dangerous and messy. And also Beau is into Yasha anyway, not Jester so it doesn’t even matter probably.

 

Yasha? Tall and scary and beautiful and sad. And married. Jester can see now that Yasha has the same brittle look as her Mama and she doesn’t want to hurt Yasha any more than she already is. Definitely off limits for sex practice.

 

Maybe Nott? Together they  _ are _ the best detective team in the world and Jester is pretty sure that detecting skills translate to sex skills (she is an expert after all), but Jester doesn’t think that Nott is happy enough with her body to take part in sex experiments. 

 

Caduceus comes to mind next. He could work she thinks. He is probably wise enough not to fall in love and isn’t bad to look at either. But also she’s not sure how much he can know about sex with other people after living alone in the woods for so long. Maybe not a lot, and if he doesn’t have a lot of experience how can he tell her if she’s the awesomest at sex or not? She puts him on her maybe list with Nott and moves on.

 

The ghost of Molly lurks in the back of her head again. He would have been perfect, she thinks -- he was a tiefling (the sexiest species in the world if she, Molly, and her Mama are anything to go on -- and they  _ are), _ and he had lots of sex and never fell in love. He would have been the bestest, safest practice partner. But he’s dead, she thinks,  ~~dead, dead, dead, dead, dead~~.  She presses down so hard on the traitorous little voice in her head until she grinds it into nothing and takes a deep breath and collects her thoughts. 

 

Finally, her mind settles on Caleb. He’s not dashingly handsome like Fjord or a sex expert like Molly. But she knows he’s had a girlfriend before so he probably knows at least a little bit about sex and the dangers of love. She slips back into the memory of a warm, dimly lit tavern, dancing close with Caleb and his liquor-loosened limbs. She remembers thinking that up close he really doesn’t smell so bad. And she remembers how he’d whispered the name Astrid in her ear, talking like he loved her. And if he loves Astrid, then he won’t do something stupid like fall in love with Jester. With that, Jester’s mind is made up: Caleb is the best choice she has for sex practice. She skips off, plotting how best to broach the subject with her stinky wizard.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this!! I might expand this someday if the bug bites me and/or people are interested!


End file.
